The Overeducated Grumbler

by Terris Schneider

  I was sitting in the theatre watching Friends With Benefits with my friend Mari at the Scotiabank Theatre, contemplating how I’ve seen every single franchise that involves the fuck buddies theme—I also saw the JT/Mila Kunis movie No Strings Attached and even watched the NBC sitcom of the same name. Why did I enjoy this theme so much? I’ve never even been in that type of scenario; I’ve always been one of those monogamy-only douchebags. Maybe the fact that it was so foreign to me was the appeal.

  While I was having an ADHD moment letting the thoughts spin around in my head, there was this horrible trailer screening for a movie called New Year’s Eve. Watch the trailer IF YOU DARE.

  America really loves these Love Actually type of movies with different, sometimes intersecting plot lines involving a million characters, except Love Actually was actually good. (Yeah, I just said Love Actually was good, that’s how jaded I am about this). New Year’s Eve looks like the worst of its kind—is every single person who ever lived in this movie? The usual suspects—Ashton Kutcher, Zac Efron, Katherine Heigl, Sarah Jessica Parker (as another variation of Carrie Bradshaw)— are included in this cheesy shitstorm, but Robert De Niro and Seth Meyers, why must you resort to this crap?

  These are just the people that appear in the trailer too. Who knows what kind of cameos are going to pop up? I’m expecting to see Oprah and maybe a zany appearance from Richard Simmons or some other kind of washout whose career needs to be revitalized.

  What I also happened to notice during this crummy movie trailer was that they used Pink’s annoying ear-murderer, “Raise Your Glass,” as this kind of inspirational, feel-good anthem. This tune always makes me feel rage-tastic, mostly because of the lyric, “too school for cool.” Really, Pink? You’re not a teenager anymore, you’re in your fucking thirties—can you not come up with some smarter words? I’m embarrassed for you.

  When the trailer was over, I was happy I didn’t have to hear that atrocity that claims to be music. THINK AGAIN. The next trailer was for Anna Faris’ What’s Your Number? and they used the same Pink number in that trailer too.

  “Are they playing that Pink song again?” I said to Mari. “Who organized these trailers to play back-to-back? Bad move.” She shrugged and didn’t seem to care—stuff like this apparently only bothers an über nerd like me.
Pink’s music has this horrible effect on me where it plays in my head all day. I couldn’t stop thinking about the experience I had in the theatre, and after, I had noticed just how much this Pink song has been used for girly movies. Even Bridesmaids, a movie which I loved, used it in the trailer. For shame!

  Yes, I understand Pink is this good-for-feminism type of lady. She had that one song called “Stupid Girls” making fun of those emaciated, dumb blonde Hollywood types like Paris Hilton who are only concerned with their weight and appearance. The video even had Pink mocking this by shoving a toothbrush down her throat and purging into a sink. Scandalous!

  I like that she isn’t one of those contradictory feminists like Destiny’s Child who sing about girl power and women being independent, but then wear skirts so short that they show off their vaginas.

  Pink seems to stick to her convictions except for in one key area: the music. Pink’s music does not kick ass. If I am in a “go ladies!” type of mood, I’ll listen to Exile in Guyville-era Liz Phair, because she made a statement about the male dominated music industry. If I want to feel bad ass, I’ll listen to Alison Mosshart of the Kills’ sultry vocals. Hell, I’ll even listen to Adele because that lady’s got chops and can move people to tears. These women are making strides in the music industry, not Pink’s gimmicky pop.

  So, moviemakers, stop putting that Pink song in girly movie trailers, because I’m too cool for school to be listening to that crap.

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